This morning when I walked into the NICU there were doctors everywhere. They were centered around the technology room; so much so that they were crowded around the doorway outside the room. When I went into pod B where we reside, I saw some of the nurses and lightheartedly mentioned that there is a party out there. One nurse, with a very serious face, mentioned that there was definitely not a party but she can't tell me what is going on. Based on the tone of the room and after watching the doctors slowly drift away from the technology room (one older doctor was patting the shoulder of a much younger doctor), I realized that a baby had died. I have no words for how this made me feel and still makes me feel. I have no idea how these professionals do this job but I was given a big dose of perspective today. My Gesina is alive, at the end of the day, that is all that matters. I'm already a lucky mom and everything else that Gesina accomplishes is just gravy.
As for Gesina today, she was a rock star. She worked with the speech therapist and drank 60 ml from her bottle and they were very pleased.
*** NON PARENT GROSS OUT ALERT *** CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK ***
With the help of a lactation consultant Gesina tried a third way to eat, breastfeeding! I was worried that giving her a third option would really confuse her but she latched on and went to work. The lactation consultant was in awe :-) They weigh her before I feed her and after to see how much she drank. She drank 40 ml the first time and 45 ml the second time. She didn't fall into any of her odd bottle habits either (for example, she shakes her head from side to side without latching on to the bottle). Instead, she fed and then contentedly looked around in a sleepy manner. Now if we can get her to choose a method and finish her whole feeding that way, we'll be closer to getting that feeding tube out! In the meantime, all the work of breastfeeding put her into a nice calming sleep. We were all very proud of her today. In the meantime, I'm learning about feeding tubes just in case. I hope I won't need it but I'll do what it takes to get her home when she's ready, of course.
Wow, let me catch my breath...I'm so sorry you had to see the "other side" of life in the NICU. It's a terribly, heart breakingly, grievous thing too see...I know the feeling from today will haunt you. I understand, I've seen that side, but not from the NICU. It's...heartbreaking. Then the sympathies for the parents, the family...Allow yourself the time see, feel, accept. Then think thoughts of healing and love for the family, it will help you too.
ReplyDeleteI have wanted so badly to ask you if they'd let you try to nurse Gesina....of course I wouldn't, that's a really personal thing....YAY...I'm so excited that she's nursing So readily...!!! Goes to show, that mama IS best if at all possible!!! Congratulations Sweety...I am So, so excited to hear this!!! And she took right too it!! YAY, this is amazing news today!! I bet she continues to do more each time too! My youngest daughter(mama to Pru) has asked me EVERY day, when will they let her nurse Gesina, are they gonna let her try? She is so excited to hear this, she bout put out an ear drum!
I know today has been a mixed bag of emotions. Just know that it Is ok to cry, what you walked into today was a terrible, sad, heart breaking thing. It really does affect everyone, not to the extent of the family, but these Doctors, Nurses etc. carry every case, every patient & every outcome for the rest of their lives....
But Oh My Gosh, how stocked are you that she's nursing like an old pro????
Huggzzzz, smiles here all around!!!
I'm so happy to see how good Gesina is doing! I know you've been on quite the roller coaster and today made for a bumpy and smooth ride :). That's exciting to see that you are nursing, it really shows how much she has improved. I'm so happy for you!!!
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