Today had its challenging moments for me. All the hoopla of Christmas, with the "Merry" expectations that every moment is supposed to be special made it very easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Any other day I have been able to see clearly and am grateful for all the progress that Gesina has made. But because of the unrealistic expectations that society has surrounding Christmas, that today is supposed to be Merry, you are somehow broken if you are not filled with the Christmas spirit, if you are not surrounded by family then you are "doing it wrong," well this has really gotten me down and caused me to be emotional today. I had such an overwhelming urge to take Gesina home today. I just wanted to grab her and run to the car. It's so unnatural to have a baby and then leave her with someone else, night after night. But here I go again, feeling sorry for myself so the pity party is over. Now back to being grateful for all the good things going on with Gesina.
Gesina had another stable day. She slept most of the time and because she was in fleece Christmas footed pajamas, she didn't shiver! She didn't spend all of her time awake crying but she would make the sour face often. I have to teach that girl how to smile so she realizes she has more than one option for facial expressions! We worked on trying the bottle again today but she gets bored with it. Hopefully the speech therapist shares some tricks to encourage her to use the bottle. The nurse says it takes time so I'll work on not obsessing about it. No change to her meds today. I haven't talked to the doctors in a few days so hopefully I'll be able to get some updates on our plans for her meds tomorrow.
And finally, the ridiculously amazing people surrounding the NICU gave Gesina presents. She got wrapped toys, clothes, and books. I have to remind myself that these caring, supportive, and giving people are really what Christmas is supposed to be about. Not the pressure and feeling that the universe owes you an amazing day and if it's not amazing, then the universe doesn't like you. Everyone has good and bad days, even on Christmas; it'll all be okay and next year, hopefully I'll get a good one. If not then maybe the year after. Plus, Adrian reminded me that in the future, I'll have Christmas as a special day, just like everyone else BUT I'll also have the date that Gesina came home. That will be a special date just for us.
All the love, support, and gifts Gesina got today are really what the Christmas spirit is about. And there will be lots of good holidays (and homecoming anniversaries!) ahead.
ReplyDeleteJackie you don't know how badly I wanted to be there this Christmas. We were tempted to try it anyway on Monday but decided we would not gain anything by going into the ditch. I am sure next Christmas will be totally different. I have thought of you guys every day during this holiday time and wished I was there. I just want to hug you all. Love, mom
ReplyDeleteI know we don't know one another, that said, this is what I think....You are an amazing, strong, loving, compassionate new mother. You've dealt with more in a few weeks, than most ever face in a lifetime. You've done this with strength and grace. You've cried and had "down moments...????" lol...ok, I'll you that, but you've shown an amazing strength, a strength that will see your amazing daughter through these struggles...Yes, Christmas is a special time, it sure is, full of memories, friends, family...celebrations...And where are you spending your time? With your new, wonderful family...and all those who are giving 100% to help you keep it! Sweety you're doing great. Cry your tears, but don't cry too long:) Your updates are very positive, her progress has been steady for several days....THIS is what Christmas is all about...Love & Hope...Merry Christmas Jackie, Adrian & Gesina...here is to many, Many more...
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you all and next Christmas will be special like A said. I was looking at little dresses for her today but I was not sure if she could wear them right now. I saw one message she was 9lbs.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sending updates everyday