Drama of the momma

I've been dreading updating because everyone loves a happy ending to a long story. Well, motherhood is HARD! I can't say that everyday is roses and butterflies. I'm sure all the moms out there know this but for those of us that are new at this, I'm overwhelmed and the anxiety and emotions that surge through my body at any given moment is astonishing. At this moment, I'm enjoying a calm moment with Gesina as we try out our new snugli (see pic below).

She is sleeping on my chest now and it is awesome. But the last few days have been a trip! These mom hormones are ridiculous. After Monday night's emotionally charged and anxiety provoking homecoming, I'm slowly calming down and hoping to find my stride. I'm working on minimal sleep as it takes Gesina up to 1 1/2 hours just to complete one feeding! Tuesday was back to back meetings with the home health nurse (once a week due to her need for a feeding tube/heart monitor) and the pediatrician. Thankfully my amazing child care provider Trish came over on Tuesday and helped me schlep Gesina to the pediatricians office on one of the coldest days of the year. After meeting with the pediatrician, I did enjoy a bit more calm confidence that I can do this and it will be fun. I did forget to eat that day though so I need to be smarter about taking care of myself. My anxiety hit a peak on Wednesday as I had to go to work. I had only been home with Gesina for a day and a half and guess who cried on the drive to work? Yup, I am officially a mom! Work was great as my colleagues and students are always supportive and willing to help. But I'm so glad it is Thursday and I get to have Gesina all to myself for a few days. We have a lot of learning to do together. I need to learn her cues and she needs to know who I am. I think you can tell by my writing that I'm working on high octane energy right now. This frantic energy has me up and down emotionally and my next challenge is to CALM DOWN, take better care of myself and delegate!

So in an effort to calm down, I'm taking my mom's advice and trying to forget the past. I can't take the baggage of the NICU experience with me everyday. I need to let go of it all, not rehash it, enjoy the moment and seek out my new normal. When I think back through the last few weeks, I get very emotional now as what I went through hits me. I was on survival mode as I went through the NICU experience. Now that it's over, I'm starting to process the emotional aspects of the experience and that is a bit overwhelming. Some day in the far off future I'll come to terms with the emotional aspects of the experience, but right now I need to move forward.   

Taking better care of myself is recognizing that I'm no good to Gesina, Adrian or my fur babies if I'm not eating and able to function. So in addition to eating and making sure my basic needs are being met, I'm trying to forgive myself. I am amazed at how much guilt I feel. I feel the need to apologize for everything. When Gesina cries, I feel it's a personal failing on my part. When the cats want my attention but I can't do it, I feel like I'm a bad person. When Adrian is downstairs and I am upstairs tending to Gesina, I feel guilty I'm not spending quality time with him. When I can't answer or even check my email at work, I feel guilty for being a deadbeat coworker (sorry RU folks). I was listening to NPR this afternoon and a film producer's line in a new film (Happy Christmas) was discussed. The line was something like "If I have it all then I have to do it all". Well this is how I feel, that since I wanted to have it all, I now have to do it all at the exact same time. That's exhausting and I have to stop. This leads to the final aspect of finding my new normal, learning to delegate.

I am surrounded by many caring and supportive people who have offered their help numerous times. Instead of feeling guilty for needing help, I need to learn to ask for it and accept it. I started today but taking my colleagues up on delegating to them. I need to recognize that I have had a new baby in my house for about 3 and 1/2 days and I'm working at the same time. Not only am I not as prepared for this melding of my worlds as I'd like to be, no one would expect me to be prepared for this. So if I can allow myself to lean on others, without guilt, feeling inadequate, or basically feeling like I'm imposing on others, I can get through the challenge of finding my new normal. I doesn't just take a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support the child's mother :-)

I'll try to update my blog once a week from now on. If I fall short, I hope you'll forgive me... hee hee!

Emotional day

I've cried so many times today and experienced so many emotions that I'm exhausted! I'm excited to have my baby at home, scared I'll fall short at being a mom, overwhelmed with only 7 hours of caring for a 7 week old baby, and terrified my life will never be calm again. As a friend on Facebook said, I'll take it one day at a time. I made it through 53 days of the NICU so that gives me some confidence but right now I have to get my hour of sleep in before it is the next feeding time!

Just like Christmas Eve

I'm so excited to bring Gesina home that it feels like the night before Christmas! As I like to say, she is the best combined birthday/Christmas gift I could ever get and I finally get her all to myself. We have a lot of work to do and I know I'll have my challenges with her being a baby and all, but to have her home and be able to hold her whenever I want is worth it all. Her feeding was okay last night and this morning but she slept through 1pm and 5pm feedings so while I tried, she only took 10 ml and had to use the feeding tube for the rest. I did get to snuggle with her though so that was awesome. 

I learned today that she has to wear the heart/respiration monitor 24/7 as long as she has her feeding tube in. Honestly, having to put leads on her and carry a monitor in a bag over my shoulder with me everywhere we go (even just to the kitchen) is going to suck. It's ridiculous and I was so excited to NOT have cords and wires attached to her at all times. But I trust the doctors to know what is best for Gesina and I'll do it, begrudgingly. This does provide me with an even stronger incentive to get her to nurse and take the bottle though. I've also got to work on her sleeping hours. She truly has gotten day and night confused as she sleeps during the day and is up and fussy at night. I know she's the boss of me now but I just can't have that schedule! There are no windows in the NICU so I'm hoping the natural light "cycle" helps me win her over to my (and most of societies) sleep/wake cycle.

I wish the weather tomorrow wasn't scheduled to be so cold. Driving a baby home in the cold weather for an hour drive is not something I would prefer! Especially with a new-to-me heart/respiration monitor that may have a high number of false alarms AND knowing she is scheduled to eat at such stringent intervals. I'll have to be sure the leave the hospital at the optimal time to avoid the worst of the weather and work around feeding times. I assume I'll adjust the feeding schedule according to Gesina's needs but I won't be able to do that for a few days after I figure out Gesina's needs :-) 

My baby is coming home! Life is good and my family will finally be together. No more hours on the roads in horrible winter roads just to see my baby. Tears of joy today... what an emotional journey so far!

So ready

I'm so ready to have Gesina home and incorporating her into my life. I had to put the feeding tube in again today and yup, I cried before I did it. I was fine last time but for some reason today, I just didn't want to experience hurting her. I realize that all moms have to see their babies hurt and some even have to do something that hurts them, so I did it. But I didn't like it and hope I learn to very efficiently put the tube in to minimize her discomfort. I also hope she doesn't pull the tube out so it can stay in the whole 30 days before I have to change it. And maybe she'll figure the eating thing out so I don't have to install one in 30 days at all! One can dream and be optimistic but I know Gesina will be in charge of that decision.

Gesina seems to have reversed her days and nights. She was up fussy last night and didn't eat much from the bottle. She then slept a lot during the day to make up for being up in the night. Hopefully we can turn that behavior around before she comes home. Her bottle eating has continued being low so I switched her bottle today which I hope helps turn the negative trend around. She took 50 ml from the new bottle this evening so we'll see. I think she's getting so much from the feeding tube that she just isn't hungry when we go to feed her. She is now up to 120 ml and the feeding tube runs over 1 1/2 hours. I'm hoping that when we go to on demand feeding that she'll link hunger and eating back together. I just feel like we are force feeding her and look forward to working with her pediatrician. I need another opinion on her eating and amounts. I'm sure I'm wrong and she is getting the amounts she needs but I need a fresh opinion from her pediatrician to assure me.

I now have all of her medical equipment home and have been trained on how to use it. She has a feeding tube and heart/respiration monitor. I'm a bit surprised about having the heart/respiration monitor but the nurse told me they always have one for the feeding tube babies. In a way it's nice to have the monitor so I don't have to worry about SIDS but I've been warned there are a lot of false positives and the alarm is really loud. Either way, I can't see any reason that Gesina can't come home Monday. Finally, we can begin our lives together!

Emotionally tired but hopeful

After 12 hours of being awake and fussing last night (2 pm to 2 am), Gesina finally fell asleep. I figured she had earned her sleep and gave the nurses the go ahead to just feed her using the feeding tube for two of her feedings (the ones she was sound asleep for at feeding time). And just to clarify, when Gesina refuses the bottle or doesn't finish it, she gets fed but through the feeding tube. So she never starves but the feeding tube has the potential of becoming a crutch for all of us. I can't get upset with the nurses for using this crutch as I did yesterday too. I couldn't bare to wake her after she had been up fussing so many hours. I don't know if my and the nurses motivation to use the feeding tube are the same, BUT I will clarify with the doctors how to approach the feeding tube when Gesina is home. I'll let them advise me on the balance between how much time/effort should be spent helping Gesina overcome her nursing/bottle issues and when to use the feeding tube. I think moving to an on demand schedule of feeding versus the current 1-5-9 schedule she is on will help with the feeding issues. My mom found a support group on Facebook that had many NICU graduates that found their little one eventually just "got it" when it came to the bottle. That something just clicked and they figured it out. I look forward to the day when it clicks for her.

In the meantime, Gesina is coming home soon. The goal is Monday and the only thing that can get in our way is insurance approving and getting me the equipment I need to have the feeding tube set up at home. I have "training" on that equipment tomorrow and part 2 of me inserting the feeding tube tomorrow as well. So, Gesina is coming home soon and all the concerns with the overly structured and low stimulation NICU environment will come to an end. I look forward to finding our own schedule and activities we can do together. Until then, I'm going to try to relax, sleep, and enjoy my last "child free" weekend :-)

Accepting the feeding tube

When I called the hospital for an update this morning, I found out Gesina's feeding amounts overnight were horrible. A low of 0 ml and 5 ml at two different feeding times. I was so not happy; had the nurses given up because the feeding tube is just easier? I know they have a 1 hour rule; meaning Gesina has to eat within one hour and whatever she's taken is it. They don't allow snacking or long sleep/feeds as they say it's a bad habit that is not good for anyone. So I wondered if they tried for an hour or not tried at all?

Now that I have gone through the day with Gesina, I get the importance of the feeding tube. Much like the nurse who fed her 5 ml, I seemingly fed Gesina with the bottle for 1 hour only to discover that she took a whopping... NOTHING! She just sucked loudly on the bottle but didn't create the actual suction to eat! Unbelievable... She has also been awake all day fussing and looking around so I assume she'll sleep through her next feeding resulting in another 0 ml in the books for bottle feeding. I don't know why she is doing this but with the feeding tube, we have time to figure it out. I brought in a different bottle because it has a shape that is more natural (like she were nursing) but she is not actually eating with it either. So the good news is she isn't doing her "bottles are horrible, quit torturing me" routine but instead looks contented with a bottle. This is a positive association with bottles and feeding. But now she has a new trick where she isn't actually using the mechanics necessary to eat. She is quite the mystery. I will say having spent from 2:30 to midnight with her awake and fussy, I'm exhausted. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle her on my own! I did get to put the feeding tube in and they are going to have me do it again in the morning. This is taking some of the fear away but she definitely doesn't like it. I'm hoping I only have to do it once a month which is how often you need to put one in, unless she pulls it out. At the end of the day, I'm getting used to the idea and seeing the advantages. She is 7 weeks today, not much longer and she'll be switching to solid foods so I will accept the feeding tube as gracefully as I can. 

The lows help you appreciate the highs... right?

So many wins last night. A great feeding and Gesina took 70 ml with her nighttime nurse, even though she was nearly asleep, and 95 ml from her morning nurse. But when I went down to see her at noon today, the doctor said Gesina had lost weight yesterday. The doctors have decided to face the facts and do what they think is best for Gesina. On average, she has been eating only 2/3 of her nutritional needs since the feeding tube came out. Functioning at this nutritional level means she is more tired, which is getting in her way of eating. So, the doctor told me they are putting her feeding tube back in and her soonest possible time to come home is Monday. At first, I thought they were messing with me. When I realized that the nightmare wasn't over and what he was telling me is real and going to happen, I decided that this is what's best for Gesina and it's about her. I told the doctor this, that I understand that this is what's best for Gesina and that I'll take care of me and get over it. But every hour I seem to have to repeat this to myself to keep from losing it.

There are a million reasons that this is good for Gesina. We will continue to focus on getting her to eat large amounts with the goal of not needing the feeding tube to "finish" her feedings with. With a feeding tube, we can do two things. We can focus on solving her feeding issues without the frantic need to figure it out quickly before she loses too much weight. We can also get her weight back to where it should be so she is awake and alert more often, allowing her to stay awake for her feedings. With this additional time, I plan on staying the night at the hospital Thursday night as well to continue working on nighttime feedings. So it's important to remind myself that we may have lost a battle but we haven't lost the war. I don't know too many teenagers walking around with a feeding tube so eventually, we will figure this out.

Emotionally, this is quite a blow. As I like to say, this is going to leave a mark. At 7 weeks Gesina should be smiling at me and starting to use her voice by cooing and other random vocalizations. Instead, she barely knows me from the various nurses she spends most of her time with. She doesn't vocalize because she has no one to vocalize with. She spends 24 hours a day in a crib with bars and stares at the ceiling. I need to get this child home so she can develop and bond with her family. I really hope by tomorrow I can get my perspective back. I'm just going to keep repeating the positives of the doctors' decision to myself every time I get down or become overwhelmed by emotions. I'll also keep in mind what Adrian says, that in 6 months Gesina will be making up for lost time and running this household like a champ. But until I can get my head around this, I'm just going to be sad for one night. I'll be better tomorrow, promise, for Gesina's sake.