Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Laughs, giggles, and reflecting on year 1

So the good news is after 11 months, Gesina laughed and giggled! And I got it on tape!


She is a daddy's girl and finds him to be the coolest person she knows. She also smiles at new voices. I'm not taking it personal that when I talk, she cries louder or when I pick her up, she fusses. I know I'm the one giving her meds and trying to get her to eat so I'll take the "hit" for now but I will turn her into a momma's girl eventually!

In an effort to add more fun to life, we went shopping. Dr. Aunt Amy decided to jazz up Gesina's look and she wears it well...



So things for Gesina are going well. She is having more good days than bad lately and you'd think I'd be ecstatic. But as it gets colder, the memories of the NICU are sneaking up on me. Seeing Gesina ready for her g-tube surgery, with all the needles and tubes, I had a moment where the NICU emotions washed over me like a tsunami. Of course, that was quickly put into perspective with the "she's going to die soon" crap. But I anticipate these emotions are going to come and go as we move into the winter months.

As we get closer to Gesina's birthday, I've been reflecting on all that we have survived in the last year. What we've gone through is truly mind boggling. Just when you think it can't get worse, another doctor tells you your baby's going to die. I now look at all the products marketed to new moms and their babies, with their constantly present disclaimers that "if left unattended, your baby could die" messages that used to terrify me, and I get mad. No mother should be made to live with the constant fear that something horrifying is going to happen to their baby. Cut new moms some slack. I was just reading recently that if I put a jacket on Gesina in her car seat, I could INTERNALLY DECAPITATE her. Seriously? That's the messages you bombard new moms with? Let the mom's with medically complex kids worry about their babies dying, because it might happen to us. Leave the mom's with babies born healthy alone to enjoy motherhood. It takes some serious soul searching and gumption to survive being continually told that bad things will happen to your child and that milestones may never be reached. To pull yourself out the depths of despair that you feel as you initially here these things, and come around to finding the silver lining every time is emotionally draining and exhausting. I'm sure at some point I'll smugly announce that this experience taught me "how strong I am" or "how to be a good mom" but I'd rather have not been tested this way. I'd rather not have to live with the knowledge that my beautiful, perfect baby girl may leave me early. No matter how much I love her, protect her, and provide her with the best care available. That this is NOT a just world, where only good things happen to good people; that I can't WILL her to good health. So those mothers out there with perfectly healthy babies, kiss them, enjoy those milestones and do NOT obsess about all those negative messages trying to scare you. As for me, I will continue to reflect on how we survived the last year and be a bit melancholy until December 4th. But come December 5th, we will begin Gesina's next year of life with a fierce focus on not just surviving our lot in life, but THRIVING. More adventure, more experiences, and more giggles. I can't keep waiting for things to "settle down" before we embrace all that life has to offer us, because settling down may never happen. Instead, we are going to thrive. We won't put off for tomorrow the fun we could have today. Gesina and I will run a 5K together, even IF I have to push her along in a jogging stroller (and a blanket over her face because she hates the wind :-)). Year 2 is going to be awesome and I can hardly wait.

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