I've started to feel like I'm disappointing everyone lately, except for Gesina, and the closer the person is to me in my day-to-day life, the more I'm disappointing them. As a bit of a perfectionist, I'm not terribly comfortable with disappointing anyone. I do blame society and in particular, American work-family policies and culture for putting me in a situation where I have to feel like a disappointment. In Nordic countries family leave policies are amazing and allow parents to take the time necessary to adjust to new family arrangements. In fact, I've heard of people in those countries being seen as poor performers if employees work overtime; if you work overtime, you are seen as inefficient during regular work hours and you have the wrong priorities. In America, I feel I'm set up to fail or at the very least, to enjoy the experience of feeling like a failure. People around me expect me to be there for them. I don't blame them either. We have roles set up and people have a right to expect others to live up to the roles they fill in their lives and in the larger society. And while everyone knows I'm going through a uniquely difficult transition and say they understand my inability to fulfill my role obligations, these same people continue to ask things of me.
Is this just a work issue? Heck no! Not only am I a disappointment as a professor, mentor, adviser, and colleague, I'm currently a disappointment to the numerous therapists Gesina sees. I never can fit in enough tummy time, massages, and stretches. Am I a louse of a mom? No, I just can't seem to get my screaming child to calm down enough to enjoy her massage and stretches. Don't get me wrong, I do get her to do the massages and stretches, just not as often as I should... sometimes I don't fit them in at all that week. My house is nearly always an embarrassing mess when these therapists and nurses come to visit (thanks to Rufus the kitten). I'm also not able to attend to the needs of my cats or spend time with the boyfriend for that matter. So in all, while I know it's a temporary state and everyone says they understand, I don't like to feel like a disappointment. I'm frustrated that I live in a world that sets me up to feel this way and wonder if, gulp, I'm alone. Are other mothers impervious to feeling like a disappointment in their pre-mommy roles? Are others more forgiving of themselves? Or am I just feeling like a victim of society when I'm not. I'm just a woman who wants it all but doesn't want to do it all... Blah!
On a positive note, next week will mark an important date for Gesina. On Friday, March 21st she will have spent the same number of days at home as she has spent in the NICU! She will also see her grandparents and aunt on Saturday so we have a busy weekend coming up. I look forward to celebrating these milestones and hope Gesina is in a good mood and enjoys them too!
You are not alone, Jackie. This is the cry of mothers everywhere. Through it all, if you remember nothing else, remember you are not alone. We hear you, we understand, and we say 'me too, me too.' Best wishes to you and your family as you learn to navigate this new life, don't be afraid to find other mothers to connect with -- female friends are such a lifeline at this stage of life!
ReplyDeleteShannon (married to Scott Reithel ;) ).
NO, to all the points you're upset about. YES, we ALL feel/felt that way(unless someone had a cook, maid, nanny...???) It's hard. Period. Are you gonna fail now and again...well, I suppose that depends on your definition of fail...? Have you spoken to her Pediatrician? Is he/she "okay" with how she's progressing? Not meaning to sound like broken record...but...She IS on meds...right? Look into how other babies handle those same meds. Are their challenges the same as hers? Join a mommy site(like circle of moms or cafe mom) there are SPECIFIC groups for all illness', all disabilities, etc. They are a HUGE network of support for ANY mommy-baby-child-illness-disorder-problems. THESE are the men and women who can give you real time answers, guidance and support. The problems my girls had are different than what you're dealing with. BUT we DO have a common thread-children. I'm a grandma now, but I remember the long nights, the excruciating work schedule, the dishes in the sink, the non-stop, the "ever breeding like rabbits" laundry...the constant feeling of NEVER keeping up. The internet is an amazing tool. USE it. If you don't have time or need someone to help look things up, inbox me on facebook. I'll scour the groups and find a niche for you. Hell, I'm here 24-7, use me if you can or need to. Keep your chin up, talk to her Doctor. HE/SHE is the one all others should go through. huggzzz
ReplyDeleteSomething we did that helped immensely was to hire some PT students to visit in the evenings once or twice a week who were responsible for doing my therapy homework with my son. They had to know enough PT to talk to the therapists and do what they told them to do. I used the time to clean our house, zone out on Facebook, and pet my cats. I did some of the homework too, but delegating it out to starving students was very helpful, and also ensured a babysitter on the few times I decided to live a little and go grocery shopping.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a disappointment!!! Let's all move to Scandinavia- I concur and so does my family there. The region's family leave policies are exemplar :)
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