She smiled!

So Gesina smiled at (insert drum roll)... her iPad! Grandma and grandpa scored big on buying her an iPad because it is a "toy" that makes her happy :-) She was in my lap and we were playing with her Tap and See Now app (by Little Bear Sees) which is a black screen and a red animal moving on the screen. When you touch the animal it gets really large and makes a reinforcement sound. I customized the program to make all the sounds be babies laughing, hee hee. As we played (she randomly slapped and I tried to guide her hands), I saw her reflection and she was smiling! I had to ask Adrian if she really was smiling and he said yes! By the time I got the camera, this was what I caught of the moment... I see amusement still in her face.

I'm absolutely in love with my child. No question about it. She attended her first wedding on Sunday. Our neighbors informally renew their vows in their backyard gazebo every year. As we happened to be in the backyard they invited us over. I got to read a poem and Adrian got to play the role of the judge. Gesina was nice and quiet and by the end of the ceremony, Adrian cried more than Gesina ;-) It was a very touching and emotional experience and I'm glad we got to participate, even if I was in my pjs and Adrian was in his gardening clothes! Gesina was the flower girl in her pink onesie.

I am, I admit, having a few moments of self-doubt and sadness. Now I'm thinking about that pedicure I got the day before my labor started (my birthday present to myself), did that massage chair cause the stroke? I don't know why I keep trying to find a way to blame myself but that instinct just won't go away for good. I do get breaks from it, but the thoughts come back when I least expect them. Rationally, I know that beating myself up for something I can't change is counterproductive. These thoughts usually pull me out of the melancholy, but you can't help yourself every now and again going to the dark emotional side of what happened. It doesn't help when doctors go "dark" on me and in response I re-read Gesina's medical records. As I look for confirming information that the situation is as dire as some random doctor/therapist/professional says, I tend to find new things in her records that cause new worries. Was microencephaly mentioned as an adjective by the neurosurgeon consult to describe Gesina's head circumference (she is in the less than 1 percentile for head circumference but her growth mirrors all other babies) or is microencephaly used as a diagnosis (which is a horrible diagnosis - Googlers beware)? Another word mentioned means there is less folding of her brain tissue due to the stroke and that is also bad. Is knowledge power?

I try to remind myself that these dreaded scans are a snapshot of Gesina's recovery from a stroke. They do not capture the dynamic nature of her recovery. Also, what matters is how Gesina is doing TODAY. But for a future-oriented person, focusing on the moment I'm currently in is a dramatic change from what I'm used to. I guess I'm going to slip up every now and then and worry about the future... caught up in my 5 year plans. When these slip ups happen and I begin to worry about Gesina's future, I have to find a way to stay in the moment and remind myself that no matter what, I love her more than anything and anyone else in this world. And I go back to my mantra, in 15 years I'll know more about what Gesina can do, and I don't want to look back and regret not enjoying her every moment of every day.

Blah, but next up is her new PT through early intervention (finally "fired" my other PT), an appointment to begin her additional PT/OT using a medical model in addition to her state sponsored EI therapies, the feeding clinic in Milwaukee and a ride on the Ferry to go to a family reunion in Michigan. So we are adding members to "Team Gesina" and collecting hugs and kisses from family. Sounds like a few good weeks ahead of us :-)